How to save the airlines by Tiger Woods

The New Dress

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A lady walked into the room to show hubby her new dress,
She was a rather large lady - around forty two in the chest.
The dress was cut really low - showed off her feminine shape,
Her husband's eyes almost popped - all he could do was gape!

"Where did you get that dress, my dear?" said hubby with a grin.
"There seems to be more of you out of it - than there is within.
You really look desirable, dear! It's the greatest dress by far!
You really look sexy, especially as your not wearing a bra!"

"How did you know that I had no bra?" she asked her loving spouse.
"Now don't you get me wrong my dear! That dress, it looks real grouse!
I can tell you have no bra on, dear, behind all that frill and lace,
I can tell real easy - 'cause all the wrinkles have gone from your face!"

The Farmers Son in College

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The farmer and his wife had worked hard, scrimped and saved to send their son to college.

As soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a beard.

Next he grew a large moustache and sideburns.

Being pleased with his new facial adornment, he had his picture taken and sent it off to his parents.

On the back of the photo he scrawled "How do you like it? Don't I look like a count?"

Shortly after, the son received this terse note: "You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can't even spell!"

iPhone Protection

How to subtly mention your iPhone when picking up a girl in the bar

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Top iphone pick up lines:

Im no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your bed rock. Plus I have an iphone!

If I could rearrange the alphabet, Id put u and iphone together.

Hey baby. iphone you tomorrow?

Hi. My friend over there bet you wouldnt let me google you on our first date. So what do you say? Ill buy you a drink. You can even google me back. My iphone battery is big and strong and fully charged up, so we could google all night.

Did you know my iphone is also a remote control? Lets go somewhere remote and you can have control.

Hi there angel. Did it hurt when you fell from heav- oh, sorry, Im getting a call on my new iphone. Oh, it was Saint Peter. He said have a great time on your trip to Earth, and dont worry about being good- they wont keep score up there while you are on leave.

I AM happy to see you but thats just an ipod in my pocket.

Hi there. Wanna use your fingers to enlarge my pixel size?

Is your dad a thief? Because if he is, Ill keep my new ipod hidden when you introduce him to me next Saturday.

I think I need to call Heaven- on my new iphone- because they lost one of their angels.

I forgot my phone number. Can I have yours? Ill store it in my new iphone.

Excuse me- Im new in town. Could you give me directions to your place? Let me just open up Google maps in my iphone.

How much does my new iphone weigh? Enough to break the ice. Can I enter in your phone number?

You know, inheriting 50 million dollars doesnt mean much when you have a weak heart, even if you have a four houses, two islands and a brand new iphone like this one.

Excuse me, did you just call me on my iphone? Then I guess it wasnt my phone that was vibrating in my pocket.