Joke of the Day - 1 / 3183 pages

Is Anyone There

A widower who never paid any attention to his wife while she was alive now found himself missing her desperately. He went to a psychic to see if he could contact his late wife.

The psychic went into a trance. A strange breeze wafted through the darkened room, and suddenly, the man heard the unmistakable voice of his dearly departed wife.

"Honey!" he cried. "Is that you?"

"Yes, my husband."

"Are you happy?"

"Yes, my husband."

"Happier than you were with me?"

"Yes, my husband."

"Then Heaven must be an amazing place!"

"I'm not in Heaven, dear."

Crap Joke Central

Where do you go to weigh a whale? .... a whale weigh station.


I phoned the Weak Bladder Helpline about my problem. It's 1p a minute.


I bought a new SatNav it's really good,,,
yesterday I drove past a Zoo and it said Bear Left .....
Now that's clever !


I got work this morning to find a lump of Plasticine on my desk.
I don’t know what to make of it.


Q – What happened to the guy who assaulted the laughing psychic?
A – He was arrested for striking a happy medium.


I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.
I only intended to rough him up a bit.


Murphy said to paddy"what the f@#k are you doing talking into envelope",
Paddy said "im sending a voicemail you thick b@$t@rd!"


I don't know why I even bother having a smartphone anymore.
It spends so much time on charge, you might as well call it a landline.


What go's peck peck BANG, peck peck Bang...?
A flock of chickens in a mine field!


Last night i tries sharing a bag of chips with a homeless man who was sat on the curb...
he said sod off and get your own bl@@dy chips.


Knock knock.
Who's there.
Doorbell repair man.


If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work


Female response when hit with the chatup line...
"You look really familiar, do I know you from somewhere"?
You reply "I don't know... do you watch alot of porn"?


Last night I dreamed I was the author of Lord of the Rings...
I was Tolkien in my sleep.


Has anyone else noticed those clowns in all the Big C supermarkets that try to hide from gay people?


Did you hear about the Italian chef?
He pasta away!


Two's company...
three’s the result


Why have elephants got big ears?
Cos' Noddy won't pay the ransom!


GBNA...
thats bang out of order!


The places were I think up the best jokes are usually in the shower and while running in the park...



A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .................
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...


Nicked from My Facebook...

New Bride, Maybe a Blonde

A young man came home from work and found his new bride sobbing convulsively.

"I feel terrible", she told him. "I was ironing your best suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your pants".

"Forget it", consoled her husband. "Remember that I've got an extra pair of pants for that suit".

"Yes, and it’s lucky you have", said his new bride, dabbing her eyes. "I used them to patch the hole".
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