Saturday 24th of September 2005
1) My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't!
2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
3) I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!
4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10) Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
11) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
13) God must love stupid people, he made so many.
14) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15) It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.
16) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
17) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
18) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
19) Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam (seen on Cape Cod)
20) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up
21) Procrastinate Now
22) Rehab Is for Quitters
23) My Dog Can Lick Anyone
24) Finally 21, and Legally Able To Do Everything I've Been doing since 15
25) West Virginia: One million people and 15 last names.
26) FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.
27) MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT
28) A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
29) STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!
30) They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken
31) He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead
32) POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN .... Cops have nothing to go on.
33) FOR SALE - Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.
34) HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH
35) A PICTURE IS WORTH A 1000 WORDS, but it uses up a 1000 times the memory.
36) The Meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it.
37) Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
38) HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
39) WELCOME TO SOUTH CAROLINA - Set your watch back 20 years.
40) The trouble with life is there's no background music.
41) The original "point and click interface" was a Smith & Wesson.
source: http://johns-jokes.com
T-shirt slogans
1) My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't!
2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
3) I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!
4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10) Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
11) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
13) God must love stupid people, he made so many.
14) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15) It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.
16) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
17) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
18) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
19) Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam (seen on Cape Cod)
20) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up
21) Procrastinate Now
22) Rehab Is for Quitters
23) My Dog Can Lick Anyone
24) Finally 21, and Legally Able To Do Everything I've Been doing since 15
25) West Virginia: One million people and 15 last names.
26) FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.
27) MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT
28) A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
29) STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!
30) They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken
31) He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead
32) POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN .... Cops have nothing to go on.
33) FOR SALE - Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.
34) HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH
35) A PICTURE IS WORTH A 1000 WORDS, but it uses up a 1000 times the memory.
36) The Meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it.
37) Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
38) HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
39) WELCOME TO SOUTH CAROLINA - Set your watch back 20 years.
40) The trouble with life is there's no background music.
41) The original "point and click interface" was a Smith & Wesson.
source: http://johns-jokes.com
Billy Connollys Desiderata........ excerpt from his book
Probably the fastest joke site on the web thanks to Pingdom
Find free jokes including Sex Joke of the Day, Sexist Blonde Jokes and crazy stand-up comedy jokes and Little Johnny all at Johns-Jokes.com.
Humor to bust a gut with our funny, Obama, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, sports, relationship jokes which are all funny, clean or some that are dirty and a bit close to the mark!
Carlos Ray Chuck Norris, Paddy the Irishman jokes and more hilarious laughter all found at Johns- Jokes.com
Funny faces, pictures, animal images, for yourself and friends, to smile and laugh at them all! Ideal for folks without Life Insurance!
We do not tell Dirty, offensive and rude jokes but you can! 'even good for adults and youngsters suffering Acne :)
Our Comedy Sketches, Knock Knock jokes make for hilarious laughter, Wicked wit, short stories, crazy quotes, and strive to have a broad range and nothing too dirty!
Find free jokes including Sex Joke of the Day, Sexist Blonde Jokes and crazy stand-up comedy jokes and Little Johnny all at Johns-Jokes.com.
Humor to bust a gut with our funny, Obama, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, sports, relationship jokes which are all funny, clean or some that are dirty and a bit close to the mark!
Carlos Ray Chuck Norris, Paddy the Irishman jokes and more hilarious laughter all found at Johns- Jokes.com
Funny faces, pictures, animal images, for yourself and friends, to smile and laugh at them all! Ideal for folks without Life Insurance!
We do not tell Dirty, offensive and rude jokes but you can! 'even good for adults and youngsters suffering Acne :)
Our Comedy Sketches, Knock Knock jokes make for hilarious laughter, Wicked wit, short stories, crazy quotes, and strive to have a broad range and nothing too dirty!