Tommy Cooper Specials

1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony
   wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
   


2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The
   other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
   


3. A jumper cable walks into a bar.
   The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
   


4. A sandwich walks into a bar.
   The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."
   


5. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
   


6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer
   please, and one for the road."
   


7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste
   funny to you?"
   


8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
   "That sounds l ike Tom Jones Syndrome."
   "Is it common?"
   "It's Not Unusual."
   


9. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
   Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't
   believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
   


10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
    The kids were nothing to look at either.
    


11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
    


12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,
    "My dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the
    vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes.
    Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Just because he's
    cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."
    


13. Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. There are five
    people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad or
    maybe my older brother Calvin, or my younger brother, Ho-Chin. But I'm pretty
    sure it's Calvin.
    


14. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
    


15. I went to the butcher's the other day and bet him fifty bucks that he
    couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too
    high."
    


16. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
    He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
    The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
    


17. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
    


18. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but, when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
    


19. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
    


20. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"