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20 Shots of Scotch

A guy runs into a bar and says, "Bartender, quick! Give me 20 shots of your best Scotch"!

So the bartender lines up 20 shots of his best Scotch and watches this guy down one after the other.

"Man," the bartender says, "I've never seen anyone drink shots that fast"!

"You'd drink them that fast too if you have what I have," the guy says.

"Oh my God," says the bartender, "what do you have"?

"50 cents


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Whoops from the Police Officer Who Caught the Man Speeding

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer", the man began, "I can explain"...

"Quiet" snapped the officer! "I'm going to let you spend the night in jail until the chief gets back".

"But, officer, I just wanted to say"...

"And I said be quiet! You're going to jail"!

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you, the chief's at his daughter's wedding so he'll be in a good mood when he gets back".

"Don't count on it", answered the guy in the cell. "I'm the groom".


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Best and Last

The groom comes into the church to take his place by the altar and his best man notices that he has the biggest, brightest smile on his face.

The best man says, "Hey man, i know you're happy to be getting married, but what's up, you look so excited"?

The groom replies, "I just had the BEST blow job I've ever had in my entire life and now I'm marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me".

Then the bride comes walking down the aisle and she also has the biggest, brightest smile on her face.

Her maid of honor notices this and says, "Hey girlfriend, I know you're happy to be getting married, but what's up, you look so excited"?

The bride replies, "I have just given the LAST blow job of my entire life".


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Funny Story, Possibly True?

Valdosta, GA (LP).

Two policemen in a cruising patrol car were surprised at 2:30 early yesterday morning to see a homeowner with a sawed-off shotgun holding a pizza delivery man at bay on the former's front porch in a local up-scale neighborhood.

"Thank goodness you've come," chorused both the homeowner and the pizza man in unison. Just minutes before the police made their serendipitous arrival, the homeowner, a retired university professor, had been yelling into the house for his wife to set the dog loose, to call 911, and to bring a mop. The pizza man had soiled himself on the professor's front porch after coming face to face with the foreshortened shotgun.

Police quickly took charge of the scene and determined the facts. The incident began in mid-afternoon the previous day when the pizza delivery man, a mentally challenged resident of the group home on Shaker Road, had missed his ride on the short bus at the end of his "school day" at the neighborhood training site. Walking home, as he often had to do, he stopped in at a local pizza parlor and applied for a job, rather than admit to the counterman that he had no money to buy a pizza.

"hel_l, he looked as bright as any of my other delivery boys," said Junior Junior, the pizza parlor's manager. "He said he could drive a car, so I lent him mine. That's how he got hired. I had no idea that he was going to pick a wrong house number and ring the doorbell of a completely dark house at 2:30 in the morning! My store is definitely not responsible for this. No way!"

Police confiscated the shotgun from the professor and called for an ambulance to transport the delivery man to the local Medical Center for treatment of an apparently serious dog bite in the groin area. All the while protesting "Anybody would have done the same thing to have his peace disturbed in the middle of the night by some blithering idiot," the professor was handcuffed, taken to jail, and charged with felonious assault with a deadly weapon, dog baiting, and $17.85 for the pizza which he didn't order.

"All's well that ends well," said the professor's wife, waving to her husband as the squad car turned the corner.


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Getting A Round Of Golf, What to Tell the Missus

First guy: "you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend

Second guy: "that is nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend what's the deal

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, golf course or intercourse?"

And she said, "Wear a sweater."


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Famous Composers and Movie Stars

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present at the initial casting sessions and Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these action superstars. So much so that he was prepared to allow them to select whichever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favourite, and my image would improve ten-fold if people saw me playing the piano" said Willis. "I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segal. "I'd like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid," he said, "I'm very pleased with these choices" Then looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "So who do you want to be Arnold?"

And Arnold says ...



"I'll be Bach"


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Words of Wisdom from a Father to his Son

A father spoke to his son, "It's time we had a little talk, my son. Soon, you will have urges and feelings you've never had before. Your heart will pound and your hands will sweat. You'll be preoccupied and won't be able to think of anything else." He added, "But don't worry, it's perfectly normal... It's called golf."


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In the Backyard

A little girl was playing in her backyard when she spotted two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.

"That's a daddy longlegs." her father answered.

"So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?" the little girl asked.

"No," her father replied. "Both of them are daddy longlegs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. "Well, we're not having that sort of shit going on in our backyard."


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The Old Man

An old man turned 115 and was being interviewed by a reporter for the local paper. During the interview the reporter noticed that the yard was full of children of all ages playing together. A very pretty girl of about 19 served the old man and the reporter, keeping them in fresh tea and running errands for them.

"Are these your grandkids?" the reporter asked.

"Naw, sir, they all be my younguns," the old man replied with a sly grin.

"Your kids?" said the reporter. "What about this beautiful young lady who keeps bringing us tea? Is she one of your children too?"

"Naw, sir," said the old man. "She be my wife."

"Your wife?" said the surprised reporter. "But she can't be more than 19 years old."

"Thass right," said the old man with pride.

"Well, surely you can't have a sex life with you being 115 and she being only 19," the reporter remarked.

"Naw, sir, " said the old man. "We have sex every night. Every night two of my boys helps me on it, and every morning six of my boys helps me off."

"Wait just one minute," said the newspaperman. "Why does it only take two of your boys to put you on, but it takes six of them to take you off?"

"Cause," the spry old man said with a balled fist, "I fights 'em."



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Noah's Ark


When the Ark's door was closed, Noah called a meeting with all the animals. "Listen up" Noah said with a demanding voice! "There will be NO SEX on this trip! All of you males take off your penis and hand it in to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your penis back".

After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited. "Quick!" he said, "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there"!

Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and said, "Sorry, no land yet."

"Darn it", exclaimed Mr. Rabbit!

This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs. Rabbit asked, "What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. But why are you acting so excited every day"?

"LOOK", said Mr. Rabbit with a sly expression, as he held out a piece of paper...










scroll down...













a little bit more...
















"I GOT THE HORSE'S RECEIPT"!!



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This can save your bacon
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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