Top 10 Jokes

...when she looks down and sees an ugly frog. She picks it up and says, "My, but you're a really ugly frog".

The frog says, "I know, I know. I got a really bad spell put on me".

The princess says, "Jesus...I've seen frogs with spells, but none of them were as ugly as you".

The frog says, "Look, leave me alone lady. I told you, it's a really bad spell".

She says, "If I kiss you, will you turn into a handsome prince"?

The frog says, "I don't know, lady. A spell this bad will probably take a blow job".


Nicked from: http://bangkok.craigslist.org/forums/?forumID=1257

.

While dressing a cut on the hand of a 75-year-old rancher, whose hand had been caught in the gate while working his cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama, and his being our president.

The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, Obama is just a Post Turtle".

Now not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked, "What's a 'Post Turtle'"?

The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle".

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he sure as heck ain't goin' anywhere and you just wonder what kind of simple minded idiot put him up there in the first place".

Coming home from his Little League game, Little Johnny swung open the front door very excited.

Because his father was unable to attend the game, he immediately wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do son" he asked?

"You'll never believe it" Little Johnny said! "I was responsible for the winning run"!!

"Really? How'd you do that"?

"I dropped the ball".


.

An elderly spinster who was a dog lover agreed to look after and house her neighbors dog whilst the neighbors went on their holidays.

The only problem was that the spinsters own dog was a bitch that was on 'heat' and the neighbors dog was a male. Nevertheless she had a large house and she was able to keep the two dogs apart.

As she lay in her bed drifting off to sleep the spinster was suddenly awakened by an awful howling and moaning sounds from downstairs. she rushed downstairs to find the dogs locked together, as dogs do when mating. The dogs were in obvious pain howling but unable to disengage.

Try as she might she could not part them and she was perplexed as what to do next.

Though it was late she reluctantly phoned the vet and after a few rings a rather grumpy voice of the vet answered the phone.

The spinster explained the problem, The vet said. "I want you to take the phone to the dogs and place it down alongside them. I will then phone your number back and the noise of the telephone ringing should make the male dog lose his erection and be able to withdraw from the bitch".

"Oh" Said the spinster. "Do you think that will work"?

"Well" The vet replied "IT JUST WORKED FOR ME".

Arthur is 90 years old.

He's played golf every day since his retirement 30 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast. 'That's it', he tells his wife, 'I'm giving up golf. My eyesight is so bad ... Once I hit the ball, I can't see where it went'.

His wife sympathizes, and as they sit down, she says, 'Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try'.

'That's no good', sighs Arthur.. 'Your brother is ninety five. He can't help'.

'He may be ninety five', says the wife, 'but his eyesight is perfect'.

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.. He tees up, takes a mighty swing, and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. 'Did you see the ball'?

'Of course I did'! says the brother-in- law. 'I have perfect eyesight'.

'Where did it go' asks Arthur?

'I can't remember'.

Wiremu, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the tavern on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Wiremu's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Rangi, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Wiremu, stepped out of the boat ... and nearly drowned! Rangi, just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Wiremu, went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Wiremu's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in July when the lake is frozen, you were born in December,

A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: August 16th, 2010

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. F***ing hot down here!


Contributor: Sunny

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"

Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student: "OK. So I’d like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".

Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what’s the question?"

Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? "

The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.

The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can’t get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? "

To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.

"All right" says the professor and asks his favourite student to answer.

"It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."




Contributor: Sunny

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist.'

.......and the proctologist fainted.

Dear Manager (HR),

Vimal, my assistant programmer, can always be found

hard at work in his cubicle. Vimal works independently, without

wasting company time talking to colleagues. Vimal never

thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always

finishes given assignments on time. Often Vimal takes extended

measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee

breaks. Vimal is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no

vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound

knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Vimal can be

classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be

dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Vimal be

promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be

sent away as soon as possible.

Signed – Project Leader


NB:

That stupid idiot was reading over my shoulder when I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd lines (1, 3, 5, 7, 9,11, 13) for my true assessment of him.


Contributor: Joolz

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Now we eat everybody."

And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"

The Rugby World Cup is held every four years (it's on next year in New Zealand) and New Zealand have been World Champions more times than any other country. Tickets to the Tests, as the games are called, are scarce as hens' teeth.

Kiwi Ken, living in Australia managed to get tickets for the final Test series, but he wasn't feeling too good - bladder problems mainly - so he went along to his doctor. The doctor gave him a thorough examination and told him that he had long existing and advanced prostate cancer and the only cure was testicular removal. "No way, doc!" said Ken, "I'm getting a second opinion!"

The second Aussie doctor gave him the same diagnosis and also advised him that removing his testicles was the only cure. Not surprisingly, he refused the treatment again, but was devastated and wondered if he'd get to the Tests or if he should make out his will and leave his tickets to his brother.

Then someone told him about an expatriate New Zealand doctor and he decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said, " Bro, you have definitely got prostate cancer."

"What's the cure then, doc?" asked Ken hoping for a different answer this time.

"Well," said the Kiwi doctor, "For starters, we're going to have to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thank god for that!" said Ken, "Those Aussie bastards wanted to take my Test Tickets off me!"




More like this from: http://www.yananow.net/troopc.htm

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest, kind of pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he was brown or green like the other toads. He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.

Any way ... this yellow toad bumps into a Fairy Godmother, like you do, and he begs her; "Fairy Godmother please make me green like the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators and such."

The Fairy Godmother whips out her magic wand and says "Abracapokus! You're green."

The toad looks down and sees that he is green except for his package, which is still yellow.

He says to the Fairy Godmother "Wait a minute; my meat & two veg are still yellow."

To this the Fairy Godmother said, "I don't do willies, go and see the Wizard Of Oz for that.

The toad thanks her and hops off on his way.

There also happens to be a purple bear wandering around in the very same forest, must be one of them enchanted forests and he encounters the very same Fairy Godmother.

He implores her; "Fairy Godmother, please make me brown like the other bears. None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account of the hunters can spot me from a mile off."

She being a nice Fairy Godmother, takes out her magic wand and says, "You're brown."

The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown with the exception of the old twig and berries, they remain purple.

He says, "What about my wedding tackle, they're still purple!

She says, "I don't do genitals, you will have to see the Wizard of Oz for that."

To this the bear replies, "Well that's just dandy but how do I find the Wizard of Oz?"

The Fairy Godmother answers; "That's easy, just follow the yellow prick toad."


Another groaner from: Howard

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road.

It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, ’Excuse me, where are we’?

’This is Heaven, sir,’ the man answered. ’Wow! Would you happen to have some water’ the man asked?

Of course, sir. Come right in, and I’ll have some ice water brought right up. The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

’Can my friend’, gesturing toward his dog, ’come in, too’ the traveller asked?

’I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t accept pets’.

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

’Excuse me’! he called to the man. ’Do you have any water’?

’Yeah, sure, there’s a pump over there, come on in’.

’How about my friend here’ the traveller gestured to the dog?

’There should be a bowl by the pump’.

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.

The traveller filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.

’What do you call this place’ the traveller asked?

’This is Heaven’, he answered.

’Well, that’s confusing’, the traveller said. ’The man down the road said that was Heaven, too’.

’Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That’s hell’.

’Doesn’t it make you mad for them to use your name like that’?

’No, we’re just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind’.



Soooo...

Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word.
Maybe this will explain.

When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do?
You forward jokes.

When you have nothing to say, but just want to keep in contact, you forward jokes.

When you have something to say, but don’t know what, and don’t know how, you forward jokes.

Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get?

A forwarded joke.

So, next time if you get a joke, don’t think that you’ve been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you’ve been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.

You are welcome at my water bowl anytime!


.

Father Murphy was the priest in a poor parish and the church roof had started to leak.

The Father had a problem of not having any money to repair the leak and asked his congregation for ideas.

Patrick Flynn suggested that the church should get a horse as all horse owners had plenty of money.

Father Murphy thought this was a good idea and although he knew nothing about horses he went to a horse sale and bought a likely animal.

When he got it home Patrick Flynn saw it and but father ‘that’s not a horse it’s a donkey’.

This must be a sign from the lord thought the priest. Did not the blessed virgin herself not ride into Bethlehem on a donkey?

He took the donkey to a horse trainer who didn’t want anything to do with a donkey but as he was a good Catholic he couldn’t refuse the priest so agreed to train the donkey to race.

The donkey turned out to be really fast and could beat a lot of the horses so when a big horse racing week arrived Father Murphy entered the donkey in a race on the first day.

The race committee were all Catholics and couldn’t refuse a priest so the donkey was allowed to run.

On the first day of the races the donkey came in second in its race and the church got a good pay out.

The editor of the local paper who was a protestant saw this and came out with the headline:
“FATHER MURPHY’S ASS SHOWS”

The donkey was entered in another race the next day and won, that day the headline in the paper was:
“FATHER MURPHYS ASS OUT IN FRONT”

The Bishop heard about this and called Father Murphy to see what was going on and was told how the donkey was getting a lot of money to have the church roof repaired and how it only needed to win again and there would be enough money to do the job.
The Bishop agreed to let the donkey run again as long as there was no more bad publicity.

The next day the donkey came in third in its race prompting the headline:
“FATHER MURPHYS ASS BACK IN PLACE”

The Bishop called again and said ‘enough Murphy no more racing’.
But said father Murphy we almost have enough to fix the roof now one more race and we will have enough.

Ok said the Bishop I’ll give you the rest of what you need as long as the donkey doesn’t race again so Father Murphy withdrew it from the race the next day.

The editor who was following things closely heard of this and came out with the headline:
“BISHOP PAYS FATHER MURPHY TO SCRATCH HIS ASS”

The Bishop called again and yelled “Enough Murphy get rid of that animal give it away or something”

As it happened Sister Mary at the convent loved animals and they had a big field at the back of the convent so Father Murphy gave the donkey to Sister Mary.

The editor who was selling more papers than ever before wasn’t going to let a good story go so came out with the headline:
“SISTER MARY HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN”

The Bishop called in a real temper and told Father Murphy to get the animal right out of the district, sell it or something.

So Sister Mary sold the donkey to an out of town horse dealer for 10 pounds. This prompted the headline:
“SISTER MARY SELLS ASS FOR TEN POUNDS”

The Bishop died of a heart attack that night.

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'.

He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.

She replies............................







"Well before the op', my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !"



Contributor: Howard

As husbands and wives will, from time to time, my wife and I were having the discussion about what would happen in the eventuality that one of us would predecease the other like...tomorrow night.

The usual "would you remarry?" questions were asked and answered. I asked my wife, "If there was a nuclear war tomorrow, and you were the last woman alive on the face of the Earth, would you help procreate the species? Assume there were 10 men that were a mixture of reasonably attractive, and totally repugnant."

My wife asked, "Are you alive or dead?"

"Where I was standing at the moment the war broke out is now a smoking hole," I informed her.

A few moments of consideration.

"Yes, reluctantly, if I were the last woman on the face of the Earth, and the survival of the species depended on it, I'd have to do what was necessary."

I was wandering into the kitchen to refill my drink when I heard this, muttered under her breath:

"...bet your a**, I'd set myself up as Queen, though."





Contributor: Robocarp-for-Adults


.

"You and your husband don't seem to have an awful lot in common". said the new tenant's neighbour.

"Why on earth did you get married"?

"I suppose it was the old business of 'opposites attract'. " was the reply.

"He wasn't pregnant and I was".


Contributor: Robocarp-for-Adults
.

Teacher asked Little Johnny to give an example of Political Correctness.

"Conservatives and Liberal Democrats in a coalition Government, Miss," he replies.

"That's not really the answer I was looking for," says the Teacher.

"It's not the answer the country was looking for either."






.

This fellow comes to confession. "Father, he said, forgive me for I have sinned".

The priest asked, "What did you do, my son"?

"I lusted", the fellow replied.

"Tell me about it", the priest said.

The fellow then related his story. "Father, I am a deliveryman for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long red hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And, she asked if I would like to come in".

"And, what did you do, my son" asked the priest?

"Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted", replied the man.

"Your sin has been forgiven", replied the priest. "You will get your reward in heaven, my son".

"A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be" the fellow asked?

The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, jackass".

'If the enemy is in range, so are you.'
- Infantry Journal-

------------------------------------------------------------

'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.'
- US.Air Force Manual -

------------------------------------------------------------

'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons.'
- General MacArthur -

------------------------------------------------------------

'You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me.'
- Infantry Sgt.-

------------------------------------------------------------

'Tracers work both ways.'
- Army Ordnance Manual-

------------------------------------------------------------

'Five second fuses last about three seconds.'
- Infantry Journal -

------------------------------------------------------------

The three most useless things in aviation are: Fuel in the bowser; Runway behind you; and Air above you.
-Basic Flight Training Manual-

------------------------------------------------------------

'Any ship can be a minesweeper.. Once.'
- Naval Ops Manual -

------------------------------------------------------------

'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.'
- Unknown Infantry Recruit-

------------------------------------------------------------

'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up to him.'
- Infantry Journal-

------------------------------------------------------------

'Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.'
- Sign over SR71 Wing Ops-

------------------------------------------------------------

'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3..'
-Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot)-

------------------------------------------------------------

'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'
-Unknown Author-

------------------------------------------------------------

'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.'
- Fixed Wing Pilot-

------------------------------------------------------------

'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'
-Multi-Engine Training Manual-

------------------------------------------------------------

'Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club.'
-Unknown Author-

------------------------------------------------------------

'If you hear me yell;"Eject, Eject, Eject!", the last two will be echos.'
If you stop to ask "Why?", you'll be talking to yourself, because by then you'll be the pilot.'
-Pre-flight Briefing from a Canadian F104 Pilot-

------------------------------------------------------------

'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies.'
-Sign over Control Tower Door-

------------------------------------------------------------

'Never trade luck for skill.'
-Author Unknown-

------------------------------------------------------------

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in military aviation are:'Did you feel that?' 'What's that noise?' and'Oh S....!'
-Authors Unknown-

------------------------------------------------------------

'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.'
-Basic Flight Training Manual-

------------------------------------------------------------

'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.'
- Emergency Checklist-

------------------------------------------------------------

'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.'
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot) -

------------------------------------------------------------

'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.'
-Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB, AZ-

------------------------------------------------------------

'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.' - Lead-in Fighter Training Manual -

------------------------------------------------------------

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft,
having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives.

The rescuer sees the bloodied pilot and asks,'What happened?'
The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'

------------------------------------------------------------




Contributor:Howard

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.

The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.

He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels, which never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No, sir..... but... I've always wanted to."


There are lessons here:
-Never be arrogant.

-Don't waste ammunition.

-Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.

-Always, always make sure you know who has the power.

-Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.


I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?


Contribution from: Howard

A married man left work early one Friday, but instead of going home, he spent the weekend partying with the boys.

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it.

After 30 minutes of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer.

“How would you like it if you didn’t see me for a couple of days..."?

The husband couldn’t believe his luck, he looked up, smiled and said, “That would suit me just fine”!!

Monday went by, and the man didn’t see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn’t see her.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.


Contribution from: Irvine at HAH.prostatepointers.org

A young priest gets up in the morning and goes to breakfast. On his way there two nuns look at him and he says, "Good morning sisters". They reply in a sing song manner, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning".

This stuns the priest who thought he had been very polite but he just goes on. He encounters a Brother a little while later along the way and he says, "Good morning Brother".

The Brother replies in a sing song voice, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning".

The priest was very confused at this and goes on. He gets a little farther and he comes across a fellow priest and he says, "Good morning Father".

The priest replies in a sing song manner, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning".

Now the priest was mad. He continues his walk to the dinning hall not saying a word to anyone. The Bishop sees him and says, "Father ..."

The young priest was not going to take any more even from the bishop. He looks at the bishop and says, "No I did not get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning".

The bishop looks at him stunned and says, "What"?

The priest realized his mistake and said, "I am sorry your holiness, what is it you want".

The bishop looks at him and says, "All I was going to do was ask you why you had on Sister Ann's shoes"?

Marsha completed four weeks of dental restoration with Dr. Morris Cohen the dentist. She confided to her best friend that she had fallen in love with her dentist ...and she was going to propose to him.

Her friend said, " Marsha you're 34 years old, you're beautiful, you have dozens of men who adore you. Why this dentist?"

"Because he is the First man that ever said to me.... SPIT, don't SWALLOW."

On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded.

. Two Italian men and one Italian woman
. Two French men and one French woman
. Two German men and one German woman
. Two Greek men and one Greek woman
. Two English men and one English woman
. Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
. Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
. Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
. Two Irish men and one Irish woman
. Two American men and one American woman

One month later, the following things have occurred:


One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.


The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in Ménage à Trois .


The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.


The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.


The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.


The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.


The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.


The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy-liquor- store-restaurant-laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.


The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However, they are satisfied because the English are not having any fun.


The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about:

o Her body

o The true nature of feminism

o What the sun is doing to her skin

o How she can do anything that they can do

o The necessity of fulfillment

o The equal division of household chores

o How sand and palm trees make her look fat

o How her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do

o How her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems

o Why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this lord-forsaken deserted island in the middle of nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.

A student at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide."

And for plenty of good reasons, since:

it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting

it is a major component in acid rain

it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state

accidental inhalation can kill you

it contributes to erosion

it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes

it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients


He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical.

Forty-three (43) said yes,

six (6) were undecided,

and only one (1) knew that the chemical was water.


The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?"

He feels the conclusion is obvious.

A woman telephoned St Mary’s Hospital and asked to speak to Ward E2 as she was enquiring as to the progress of one of the patient’s in that ward. She explained that she wanted to know if the patient was getting better, doing as expected or getting worse.

A staff nurse answered the phone, "Hallo, Ward E2. What is the name of the patient and his room number?"
"He is in bed 1, room 10, "came the reply, "And his name is Albert Brown."

"Could you hold the line for a moment, "the nurse asked, "While I check his records. Ah, yes, Mr Brown is doing well: blood pressure OK, blood test results appear normal, he’s going to be taken off the heart monitor and if he continues to improve then Doctor Svoboda is going to send him home tomorrow at midday."

"Oh, that’s super, amazing, I’m so pleased to hear the news; it really is fantastic, thank you so much."

"You sound so glad,"replied the nurse, "You are so and enthusiastic you must be a close friend or a relative of Mr Brown."

The man answered, "Not exactly, I’m Albert Brown in Ward E2, room 10, bed 1. Nobody in here ever tells me anything."


=================================================================
And another medical joke

While working as a radiology technician in a hospital emergency room, I took some X-rays of a trauma patient and took the results to the senior radiologist, who studied the multiple fractures of the femurs and pelvis.

'What on earth happened to this patient?' he asked in astonishment.

'He fell out of a tree,' according to the report.

The radiologist wanted to know what the patient was doing up a tree.

'I'm not sure, but his paperwork states he works for Mark's Expert Tree Pruning Service.'

Gazing intently at the X-rays, the radiologist blinked and said, 'Cross out 'expert.'

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”

His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, ‘You as horny as I am?’ . . . and, she always acts like she’s sound asleep!”

Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee abaht me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom ?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, tha daft bugger, ah've browt it wi' us."


****************** // ****************** // ******************


A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Aye, does tha want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft bugger!"


****************** // ****************** // ******************

A Yorkshireman's wife dies and he decides that her headstone should have the words "She were Thine" engraved on it.

He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral.

True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.

When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "She were Thin".

He explodes - "Sodding eck man, tha's left t' flamin' "e" out!

The stone mason apologizes and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.

Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason - "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you".

The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud - "E, She were Thin".


****************** // ****************** // ******************


Bloke from Barnsley with a sore backside asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"

Chemist replies "Aye, does tha want Magnum or Cornetto?"

Yesterday my wife asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys. I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said, "Are you nuts? You're 79 years old and you're going to start jumping out of aeroplanes again.?

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card. She said to me, "You idiot, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club; not a Parachute Club!"

I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do! I signed up for five jumps a week!

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier.

"Hi Mom, How are you?"

"Hi Sally, where are you? I thought you were with your father at the Ace Hardware"

"Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they've let me make one phone call"

"What happened?"

"Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the head."

"What on earth ~ why did you do that ?????"

"Well it wasn't my fault. Dad told me to find a Black & Decker .."

Did you hear about the 83-year-old woman who talked herself out of a speeding ticket; she told the young officer that she had to get there before she forgot where she was going?

Makes perfectly good sense to me.....

A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.

The Cow: I give 50 liters of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!!

The Ant: I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!!




































Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something...

A Year 5 teacher was giving her Primary pupils a lesson in developing logical thinking.

"This is the scene", said the teacher.

"A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.

His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank"?

A little girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings"?

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear, or are out to repeat a rumor.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students...?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."

"Test of Three?"

"That's correct," Socrates continued.

"Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife !


Contribution from: HAH

 
In a small town in Texas, the local madam operated a telephone service. The police finally arrested her and seized her big black book in which her talent was listed. Each officer on the force was assigned a group of the names in it and told to check them out.

After a week, the Chief called a meeting to get their reports. When it became the turn of Detective Ralph to tell what he had found, he said, "I'm sorry, Chief, but I think I should disqualify myself. One of the ladies on whom I called is an eighty-four-year-old woman. She is so charming that I have to tell you that I have fallen in love with her."

"Damnation, boy!" exclaimed the Chief. "I sure am surprised at you. You've been a policeman almost all your life - and here you are, falling for the oldest trick in the book."

.
...that I can understand and to which I can now relate.

Question:
What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer:
Princess Diana's Death.

Question:
How come?

Answer :
An English princess

With an Egyptian boyfriend

Crashes in a French tunnel,

Riding in a German car

With a Dutch engine,

Driven by a Belgian

Who was drunk

On Scottish whisky,

Followed closely by an Italian Paparazzi,

On Japanese motorcycles,

Treated by an American doctor,

Using Brazilian Medicines.

This is Sent to you by

A Brit,

Using American Bill Gates' technology,

Developed in Israel

And you're probably reading this on your computer,

That uses Taiwanese chips,

And a Korean monitor,

Assembled by Bangladeshi workers

In a Singapore plant,

Transported by Indian truck drivers,

Hijacked by Indonesians,

Unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,

And trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....



That, my friends, is Globalization!




Contribution from:Claude

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.


When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop,fish and chip shop a taxi cab, or a motel /hotel in England .


If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical advice.




Contribution from: Howard




.

My mother-in-law is banned internationally from playing poker, as she keeps all the chips on her shoulder.



Adam and Eve were the happiest, and the luckiest, couple in the world, because neither of them had a mother-in-law.



What is the difference between outlaws and in-laws? Outlaws are Wanted.



I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's chamber of horrors and one of the attendants said, 'Keep her moving sir, we're stocktaking.'



Fred and Rick were in a pub. Fred says to his mate, 'My mother-in-law is an angel.'



Rick replies, 'You're lucky. Mine is still alive.'



Overheard in a restaurant:
She: This wine is described as full bodied and imposing with a nutty base, a sharp bite, and a bitter aftertaste.
He: Are you describing the wine or your mother?




Open Door Policy
The doorbell rang this morning. When I opened the door, there was my mother-in-law on the front step.
She said, 'Can I stay here for a few days?'
I said, 'Sure you can.' And shut the door.



Newlywed Surprise
The newlywed wife, Monica, said to her husband , Nick, when he returned from work, 'I have great news for you. Pretty soon we're going to be three in this house instead of two.'
Nick started glowing with happiness and kissing Monica purred, 'Oh darling, I'm the happiest man in the world.'
Monica smiled and added, 'I'm glad that you feel that way, Nick, because tomorrow morning my mother moves in with us.'



Final Complaint
Tomorrow it's the mother-in-law's funeral...and she's cancelled it.



Paul: I was sorry to hear that your mother-in-law died. What was the complaint?
Phil: We haven't had any yet.



.

In the middle of the defensive wall at a free kick, the left back took the ball right in the crotch and he passed out from the pain.

When he woke up he found himself in the local hospital. Though still in pain, he asked the doctor, "Doc, is it bad, will I be able to play again"?

"Yes, you should be able to", replied the doctor.

"Oh, great. So I can play for my club again? said the man, feeling much relieved?

"Well, just as long as they've got a women's team", said the doctor.

A full back with a reputation for being a really hard man on the pitch was sent off during a match.

Returning to the changing room, he had a terrible leg. It was covered in cuts and bruises and had a massive gash from the top of the thigh to the knee. He had no idea whose it was.

After a visit to the doctor, Joe Bloggs, the city team's centre forward dropped in to his local pub for a quick one. "What’s up mate?" asked his friend Brian, "you look worried".

"Yes, I am," Joe replied. "I've just been to the doctor's and he told me I can't play football."

"Oh, really?" said Brian. "He's seen you play too then, has he"?

A lady called her gynecologist, and asked for an "emergency" appointment.

The receptionist said to come right in. She rushed to the office and was ushered right into an examination room. The doctor came into the exam room and asked about her problem.

She was very shy about her emergency problem, and asked the gynecologist to please examine her vagina.

So the doctor started to examine her. He stuck up his head after completing his examination.

"I'm sorry, Miss," he said, "but removing that vibrator is going to involve a very lengthy , delicate and expensive surgical operation."

"I'm not sure I can afford it," sighed the young woman. "But while I am here could you just replace the batteries?"



.

 
Here is the refresher course.

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times. Oh go ahead... I'll wait...

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes or shark attacks.
(So, watch your --- )

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

The King of Hearts is the only king WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
(Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you ?)
(That women are going the 'right' direction... )

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning .

Most dust particles in your house are made from DEAD SKIN! Oooh!

The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer. So did the first 'Marlboro Man'.

Walt Disney was afraid OF MICE!

PEARLS DISSOLVE IN VINEGAR!

The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola and Budweiser, in that order.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs... but, not downstairs.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
(I keep my toothbrush in the living room now !)

And the best for last....

Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(I know some people like that, don't YOU ?)

So...

Remember, knowledge is everything, so enjoy...... and go move your
toothbrush !!!



.

The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home received a visit from one of her fellow church members.

"How are you feeling?" the visitor asked.

"Oh," said the lady, "I'm just worried sick!"

"What are you worried about, dear?" her friend asked.

"You look like you're in good health. They are taking care of you, aren't they?"

"Yes, they are taking very good care of me."

"Are you in any pain?" she asked.

"No, I have never had a pain in my life."

"Well, what are you worried about?" her friend asked again.

The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly explained her major worry. "Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on to heaven. I'm afraid they're all wondering where I went."



.

 
Joyce, a middle aged woman goes to see a fortune-teller.


"Two men are madly in love with me !" Joyce proclaims in ecstasy.


"Who will be the lucky one"?


The fortune-teller answers....


"Herb will marry you and Mike will be the lucky one."



.