Top 20 jokes

...when she looks down and sees an ugly frog. She picks it up and says, "My, but you're a really ugly frog".

The frog says, "I know, I know. I got a really bad spell put on me".

The princess says, "Jesus...I've seen frogs with spells, but none of them were as ugly as you".

The frog says, "Look, leave me alone lady. I told you, it's a really bad spell".

She says, "If I kiss you, will you turn into a handsome prince"?

The frog says, "I don't know, lady. A spell this bad will probably take a blow job".


Nicked from: http://bangkok.craigslist.org/forums/?forumID=1257

.

While dressing a cut on the hand of a 75-year-old rancher, whose hand had been caught in the gate while working his cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama, and his being our president.

The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, Obama is just a Post Turtle".

Now not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked, "What's a 'Post Turtle'"?

The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle".

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he sure as heck ain't goin' anywhere and you just wonder what kind of simple minded idiot put him up there in the first place".

Coming home from his Little League game, Little Johnny swung open the front door very excited.

Because his father was unable to attend the game, he immediately wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do son" he asked?

"You'll never believe it" Little Johnny said! "I was responsible for the winning run"!!

"Really? How'd you do that"?

"I dropped the ball".


.

An elderly spinster who was a dog lover agreed to look after and house her neighbors dog whilst the neighbors went on their holidays.

The only problem was that the spinsters own dog was a bitch that was on 'heat' and the neighbors dog was a male. Nevertheless she had a large house and she was able to keep the two dogs apart.

As she lay in her bed drifting off to sleep the spinster was suddenly awakened by an awful howling and moaning sounds from downstairs. she rushed downstairs to find the dogs locked together, as dogs do when mating. The dogs were in obvious pain howling but unable to disengage.

Try as she might she could not part them and she was perplexed as what to do next.

Though it was late she reluctantly phoned the vet and after a few rings a rather grumpy voice of the vet answered the phone.

The spinster explained the problem, The vet said. "I want you to take the phone to the dogs and place it down alongside them. I will then phone your number back and the noise of the telephone ringing should make the male dog lose his erection and be able to withdraw from the bitch".

"Oh" Said the spinster. "Do you think that will work"?

"Well" The vet replied "IT JUST WORKED FOR ME".

Arthur is 90 years old.

He's played golf every day since his retirement 30 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast. 'That's it', he tells his wife, 'I'm giving up golf. My eyesight is so bad ... Once I hit the ball, I can't see where it went'.

His wife sympathizes, and as they sit down, she says, 'Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try'.

'That's no good', sighs Arthur.. 'Your brother is ninety five. He can't help'.

'He may be ninety five', says the wife, 'but his eyesight is perfect'.

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.. He tees up, takes a mighty swing, and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. 'Did you see the ball'?

'Of course I did'! says the brother-in- law. 'I have perfect eyesight'.

'Where did it go' asks Arthur?

'I can't remember'.

Wiremu, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the tavern on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Wiremu's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Rangi, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Wiremu, stepped out of the boat ... and nearly drowned! Rangi, just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Wiremu, went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Wiremu's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in July when the lake is frozen, you were born in December,

A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: August 16th, 2010

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. F***ing hot down here!


Contributor: Sunny

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"

Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student: "OK. So I’d like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".

Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what’s the question?"

Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? "

The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.

The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can’t get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? "

To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.

"All right" says the professor and asks his favourite student to answer.

"It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."




Contributor: Sunny

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist.'

.......and the proctologist fainted.

Dear Manager (HR),

Vimal, my assistant programmer, can always be found

hard at work in his cubicle. Vimal works independently, without

wasting company time talking to colleagues. Vimal never

thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always

finishes given assignments on time. Often Vimal takes extended

measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee

breaks. Vimal is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no

vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound

knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Vimal can be

classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be

dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Vimal be

promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be

sent away as soon as possible.

Signed – Project Leader


NB:

That stupid idiot was reading over my shoulder when I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd lines (1, 3, 5, 7, 9,11, 13) for my true assessment of him.


Contributor: Joolz

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Now we eat everybody."

And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"