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Crap Joke Central

 


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Q. Where do you go to weigh a whale?
A: A whale weigh station.





I phoned the Weak Bladder Helpline about my problem. It's 1p a minute.





I bought a new SatNav it's really good,,,
Yesterday I drove past a Zoo and it said Bear Left .....
Now that's clever !





I got work this morning to find a lump of Plasticine on my desk.
I don't know what to make of it.


Come and join us at : Crap Joke Central




Q What happened to the guy who assaulted the laughing psychic?
A He was arrested for striking a happy medium.





I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.
I only intended to rough him up a bit.





Murphy said to Paddy, "what the f@#k are you doing talking into envelope",
Paddy said "I'm sending a voice mail you thick b@$t@rd"!





I don't know why I even bother having a smartphone anymore.
It spends so much time on charge, you might as well call it a land-line.





Q: What go's peck peck Bang, peck peck Bang...?
A: A flock of chickens in a mine field!


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Last night i tried sharing a bag of chips with a homeless man who was sat on the curb...
he said sod off and get your own bl@@dy chips.





Knock knock.
Who's there.
Doorbell repair man.





If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work





Female response when hit with the chatup line...
"You look really familiar, do I know you from somewhere"?
You reply "I don't know... do you watch alot of porn"?





Last night I dreamed I was the author of Lord of the Rings...
I was Tolkien in my sleep.


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Has anyone else noticed those clowns in all the Big C supermarkets that try to hide from gay people?





Did you hear about the Italian chef?
He pasta away!





Q: If two's company what is the result?
A: Three





Q: Why have elephants got big ears?
A: Cos' Noddy won't pay the ransom!





Q. What's Santas favourite pizza?
A: It has to be "deep and crisp and even".


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I rang up BT and said: "I want to report a nuisance caller".
She said: "Not you again".





A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .................
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...





Are 'Walkers' crisps for zombies?





Q. What would you get if you crossed an elephant with a fish?
A. Swimming trunks


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Quotes for Today:

I'm happy to report that it has been a couple of weeks since I had a cigarette and my desire to kill people is beginning to fade. Of course writing this has created an urge for a smoke...
 


I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
Groucho Marx 


I’ve never seen a smiling face that was not beautiful.” ~ Author
Unknown 


¯\_(ツ)_/¯     ¯\_(ツ)_/¯




This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯



The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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