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The Pregnant Wife

A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "Darling, I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but we until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the door- bell, because the young couple hasn’t paid their last bill: "Are you Mrs. Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man from the electric company.

"What are you saying? It's in your files?????"

"Absolutely."

"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight."

That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next morning.

"What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.

"Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."

"PAY you? and if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut you off."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."


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My Apologies to .........

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,

which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,

he suffered from bad breath.
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This made him ... what?
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(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good:)
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A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


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The Lobster and the Crab

Once upon a time there was a lobster named Larry and a sand crab named Sam who were fantastic musicians on the disco circuit.

They jammed for many years until one night, after a gig and a few beers, they stepped out of a club and were run down and killed by a Mack truck.

Larry the Lobster goes to heaven and Sam the Sand Crab goes to hel_l.

One day Larry says to St. Peter, "I sure miss my old buddy Sam, I hear he has his own disco down there. Do you think I could go visit him and jam some, just one more time?"

St. Peter says, "I think you can have a one time, one-evening pass to hel_l to jam with Sam." Larry is elated and asks St. Peter for an instrument. "All we have in Heaven are harps," he says. Larry the Lobster shrugs and says, "That will just have to do!"

So Larry goes off to hel_l and has a fantastic time. He and Sam jam all night, just like the old days. When he comes back and sees St. Peter, he thanks him profusely for the pass. But St. Peter just looks at Larry funny and asks him, "Aren't you forgetting something?"

Larry thinks for a second, then smacks his forehead and says ...

"I left my harp in Sand Crabs Disco."



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The Salesman

Morris walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.

"We don't need anyone" they replied.

"You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone, anytime, anything!"

"Well we have two prospects that No One has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job."

He was gone about two hours, and returned and handed them two checks, one for $25,000.00 and another for $50,000.00.

"How in the world did you do that?" they asked.

"I told you I'm the worlds best salesman, I can sell anyone, anywhere, anytime!"

"Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him.

"What's that?" he asked.

"Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000.00 the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."

Morris was gone about 6 hours and they were fixing to close when in he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down, and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine, and sets them on the desk and says "Here's Mr.Brown's and this one is Mr.Smith's."

"That's good" they said, "but what's in those two buckets?"

"Well, I passed by the Holiday Inn and they were having a state teachers convention, so I stopped and sold them a group policy!"


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Little Johnny asked by the Teacher what his Father Did for a Living


Little Johnny was in his Kindergarten class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came up - fireman, policeman, salesman. Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some screaming fag and take it up the ar*e."

The teacher hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring in and took little Johnny aside to ask him "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said Johnny, "he really plays test cricket for England, but I was too embarrassed to say".


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Two Strangers Talking on the Airoplane

Two strangers are sitting in an adjacent seats in airplane. One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?"

The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about Nuclear Power?"

The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets; the cow, big patties; and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?"

The first guy says, "I don't know."

The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know shit?"


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Fast Forward to 2006

Fast forward to 2006- it is just before Scotland v Brazil at the next World Cup group game. Ronaldo goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his team-mates looking a bit glum.

What's up he asks. "Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game" explains Ronaldinho. "We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're sh*ite and we can't be bothered."

Ronaldo looks at them and says:"OK, I reckon I can beat them by myself, you lads go down the pub." So Ronaldo goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the team goes for a few jars. After a few beers they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads 'Brazil 1 Scotland 0 (Ronaldo 10 minutes)'. He is beating Scotland all by himself!

Anyway, a few more pints and the game is forgotten until someone remembers: "It must be full-time now - let's see how he got on." They put the teletext on: 'Result: Brazil 1 (Ronaldo 10 minutes) Scotland 1 (Angus McShite 89 minutes).' They can't beleive it - he has singlehandedly drawn against Scotland!

They rush back to the stadium to congratulate him. But they find him in the changing room, still in his gear, head in hands. Ronaldo can't look his team-mates in the eye. "I've let you down, I've let you down." he sobs. "Don't be daft, you got a draw against Scotland all by yourself." says Roberto Carlos. "And they only scored at the very, very end!"

No, no, I really have let you all down," insist Ronaldo. "I got sent off after 12 minutes!"


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The Australian, Irishman and the Scouser


An Australian, and Irishman and a Scouser were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out :

My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!" The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman calls out across the lounge : "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus"? Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am Jesus", he says.

Well, the Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him: "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me". The bartender pours Jesus a Guinness. Jesus looks over, raises his glass in thanks and drinks.

Then the Australian calls out : "Oy you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus or what?" Jesus nods and says : "Yes, I am Jesus". The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a pot of Fosters for Jesus which Jesus accepts with pleasure.

The Scouser then calls out : "Oii whack, would you be Jesus"? Jesus smiles and says : "Yes, I am Jesus". The Scouser beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of bitter for Jesus, which the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the table.

Finally, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches our three friends. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement:

"Oh God! The arthritis is gone! The arthritis I've had for years is gone! It's a miracle"! Jesus then shakes the Australian's hand, thanking him for the lager.

Upon letting go, the Australian's eyes widen in shock: "By jingo mate, the migraine! The migraine I've had for 40 years is completely gone it's a miracle"!!!

Jesus then goes to approach the Scouser who says: "Back off, mate! I'm on Disability"!


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The Teacher's Assignment

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess. " What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story, don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

"That was a fine story, Sarah." "Michael, do you have a story to share?" "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the fuck away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking.



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The Sheep Farmer

There was once a sheep farmer who needed help with the difficult task of castrating some of his inferior male sheep to keep them from breeding with the females. He hired a French guy who didn't speak English, but was a very good worker.

After the first day, they had successfully castrated 14 sheep and his French worker was just about to throw away the 'parts', but the sheep farmer yelled, "No! Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them. They're delicious and we call them 'sheep fries'."

Later that day, the French hired hand came in for supper and indeed, the 'sheep fries' were tasty.

The next day, they castrated 16 sheep, and the following evening they all settled down to another supper of 'sheep fries'. The third day, however, when the sheep farmer came home, he asked his wife where the French hired hand was.

She said, "You know, it was the weirdest thing! I told him since there weren't very many 'sheep fries' this evening, we were also going to have French fries. Then he screamed and ran like hell."



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The idea is to die young as late as possible

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Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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